Phantom Bogger

I don't know if this happens in other peoples offices but we have the phantom bogger on our floor at work.

Basically, I would say, 2 out of three days, at some point in the day [it can be quite random] someone just let's it all out in the gents toilets. Honestly, when you can smell it in the hall it's bad; when you open the door though, you're eyes start watering; by the end of your piss, you start wondering if this is what agent orange is like.

I don't know who he is. Actually I have a decent clue but it's hard to prove. You can't really hang outside the loos and then at just the right time, burst in through the door and go "AH HAH!!!"

What would I do if I did catch them? Force feed them a sh*t load of fibre for a VERY long time.

Honestly, it's really not a fun thing to put up with at work.

OH MY GOD. CHRISTMAS IS IN THREE WEEKS!!!!

ARRRRRGHHHHHHH!

Thank god for internet shopping. Why brave town centres when I can just do it all from the comfort of my desk at work. phew.

Still. Three weeks. It feels like it's gone from 3 months to three weeks in the blink of an eye. Crazy. The nights are starting to fill up with some good times to be had. hehehe. Rock on.

Change in Music

It's funny, I would say that I'm very heavily influenced on my musical tastes by my friends. I do listen to the radio a bit but not too much. Generally though, I'll be at a friends house, listen to a new cd they've picked up and then get a copy of it myself.

It's pretty much always been that way.

That said, I find that with all software like UseNet, Kazzaa and Limewire I've managed to download thousands of songs that I've always been unable to buy on cd. These are accoustic recordings. For me nothing seems as deep or as quality as listening to a band perform their well known songs [or covers] with it all stripped back and "unplugged". Quality stuff.

I have thousands of these songs that I've managed to get my hands a hold of and they're great listening material.

However, once again my tastes have changed due to my surroundings. Initially influencedby Ms X and then by going clubbing in London I find myself yearning to hear some heavy base and phat beats. Last night I got myself a copy of Creams Anthems 2007. I've only listened to the first cd and it's got all the tracks that I've been shaking my ass to at the Cross and the Egg in london. The tunes are quality. It's hard not to turn the stereo up and groove along to.

While I love my accoustic stuff, it's the kind of music you'd listen to at the end of the night. Fire you up, it does not. It's certainly not the stuff you'd listen to on the way into town for a big night. Now I've got lots of tunes the tunes for that. Sweeeeeeeeeeeeet. Time to increase my music collection in a new direction I think.

Took my folks out last night for dinner.

It was my first time out .. .. at night .. .. in Wantage. I've only lived there for 11 months. My god that place has a lot of pubs. honestly, there are pubs EVERYWHERE!! Who would have thought.

I took them for a thai meal. It was in a pokey little converted house made for people my height. With me towering over my parents at 5"6, it was not big.

The food was great. We had: ginger beancurd, chilli beeg and beef in long green beans. To be honest, I didn't find the beancurd very gingery, the beef didn't have much chilli and there was only a meagre amount of beans in the last dish. It didn't stop it tasting stunning though. Mix that up with some Pud Thai which must be my favourite thai dish and a couple of Changs and oh my god it was lush.

It's been a long time since I've gone out for regular meals. Expensive habit to keep, but oh so worth it. The company was wonderful and the food was great. Think I'll be back but there are plenty of other places to try.

Might even give a pub in wantage a go one evening. Crazy I know. ;- )

I'ts 10 past 5, and I have about 15 minutes until I leave for my weekly game of badminton so I thought I'd drop a line.

It's been a decent start to the week.

Comparing this to my life two months ago, there have been several big changes. I'm definately a lot calmer these days and less prone to going a little crazy at people. Funny how less drugs do that :- ). I'm trying to change who I see after work. There used to be a core set of people I'd hang out with and have a smoke with. Obviously this isn't the best of plans. Now all of these people are lovely. Genuinely. They're all professionals and it's not like their lives were a mess and pulling me down. However, at the moment, it's just not in my best interest to see them twice/three times a week, watching them get f*cked while I sip on a cup of tea and chat merrily.

I've had a couple of nights in with my folks which I haven't done in god knows how long. And you know? It's really good. It's nothing crazy but I'm surprised at how much we talk. It's something I know I'll miss when they move out. How many kids can say that these days?

I'm hitting the gym pretty hard these days. I have to admit, while losing a sh8t load of weight rapidly due to stress is really not a great idea, I've made the most of it by running a lot and doing a fair amount of weights. I don't think I've been this stacked before and it gives you a fair amount of confidence. yay. I'm going about 5 times a week at the moment mostly during lunch. I tend to have a cheeky extra 15 minutes but considering I work until half 5 most nights, I figure it's not too much of an issue. At the moment, I do about 20-30 minutes of running [while watching neighbours of course :- )] and then 20-30 minutes of weights [just on the arms] and situps. Overall, it's not bad. There's a guy at work who does a lot of break dancing, Chris. Really sound bloke. Bit of an inspiration really [but f*ck don't tell him that!!!]. He's cut-to-f*ck and I know that I can get there if I keep working out.

Don't worry, one day you'll see me on the cover of some guys health magazine with a stomach like a wash board :- )

Went down to London on the weekend. I've recently gotten into going clubbing down there. I've only been in England for 4 and half years and NOW I discover the clubs :- ). Makes it easier when you know people who go regularly. A place called the Egg is my current venue of choice. They tend to play a lot of funky-house. Hard to describe except that it's PHAT beats thats a little bit .. .. well .. .. funky. Very easy to shake your ass to. Good times in general. I love chatting to people in the chill out area of the clubs. Being london, you get to meet some very intersting people. Some are simply fruit loops and the conversations lasts 30 seconds, or they could be stunning young girls from Glasgow that could last like an hour [erm, like saturday]. All in all, good times to be had really.

Lots and LOTS of things are going well in my life.

There's only one thing that's not quite right [if you've read earlier entries, then you know what I mean]. Funny how it seems to dominate my thoughts generally but I know that while the pain will pretty much always be there, it'll dull over time. I know I've got a shed load of other stuff to look forward to. I'm just starting to apreciate all I've got now.

sweet as.

TFI Friday

Thank f*ck it's friday.

it's 9:30 and this is what's gone right this morning:

1] I got paid, yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
2] Australia are d*cking all over England in the Ashes. Yeahyeah, first test and all, but it's a great start.
3] The working day is going to end in a company meeting followed by an hour of free booze. Last time I tackeld 3 pints and three doubles in that time, I reckon I can easily top it.
4] I've actually found my belt so my pants aren't hanging around my ankles any more

Things that have gone bad this morning:

1] nowt

Hehehe nice.

I'm in my fifth day being nicoteine and THC free and there are no bodies to be buried. I've been surprisingly lucid about it. In the past, by the 2nd day I'm ready to kill someone, not this time. Always a good sign. So things are on the up. I do genuinely feel different and when i say different, I mean better. I think I'm a lot closer to how I was 6 months ago which was definately a birghter happier keir.

Thanks for the comments from people as well. It's really appreciated!! Over the last two weeks, I've had the support of so many beaufitul people. I forgot how much I like a hug. Not overly butch but f*ck it, when it feels good just go with it. Only a couple of people know of this website, so I will thank others individually. I've been so caught up in my own mind that I just didn't realise how lucky I am to have as many wonderful people around me as I do.

I have to say as well that I don't hold Ms X in disregard either. I have a better understanding now. I've had five smoke-free days to ponder. Both of us made some stupid STUPID mistakes. I certainly didn't act like myself around her and that's a big mistake. If you're not yourself around someone then it'll never be right. I have to say as well that she was honest from the start. I can't say that about many people. She never said we were together, in my mind we acted like it but she let me know what her feelings were. I'm just the optimistic type that just thought it would all come good. We were great friends and it was me that pushed it for more. I took a gamble on our friendship for something more speical and lost. hey ho. I would have regretted far more if I hadn't tried something.

And that's all there is to it. I have to adjust to my thinking of Ms X.

She feels she's lost a best friend and I feel I've lost alot more than that. It explains our actions over the last week. I can understand it better now. I'm not saying I have to like it but understanding makes it far more manageable.

So now I'm "back" on the single scene, not like I ever left really, I can go flirt and go crazy. hehehehehe, let the good times roll.

Well it's been a month since my last post, and what a chirpy number it was.

I'd like to say a lot has happened, but to be honest all I've done is spiral down into a more miserable life than I've had .. .. .. well ever.

But I'm not here to drown in my own sorrow any more.

I went to sh*t a month ago because of a girl, Ms X. What else right? hehe. She and I basically had a very large misunderstanding in that: I thought we were great together and an item; she thought we were amazing together and "just" friends. Classic right? Of course summing it up over two sentences really doesn't do it justice considering this has actually been spread over the last 6 months.

6 f8cking months. It only went t*ts up 4-5weeks ago.

Over the last month, I have done some rediculously stupid things at work, home and out and about because I just didn't give a monkeys. I mean. I'm 27 and I'm genuinely acting like a 5 year old spiralling out of control I couldn't really get myself out of it.

However, I went to the gym, and in the space of a month have managed to lose 9.5 kilos. That in itself is actually pretty scary. i'm not a big guy to start with so that's not so good.

I think the real turn around happened last friday night. It was a works do and everyone was going including Ms X. Things were always going to be a little bit on the precious side but hey, drinks numb the pain .. .. .. .. .. .. .. or make you a little bit to tired and emotional on an empty stomach. doh. I could see Ms X lining up her catch for the night [erm, no not me if you're wondering :- ) ]and decided that you know what, if things didn't work out between me and her, that's fine, it's a sh*t but fine. But things are still a little fresh in my mind to have flaunted in my face with someone else.

A sharp exit was made. I'm happy to say that no fuss was made or anything, at least from what I gather not by me, and not until much later.

For me the worst was to come.

I have a very special girl-friend [yes the hyphen is deliberate]. Her name is Bubba C. We've known each other for about three years. She is a genuinely wonderful beautiful person. It started of with us meeting; me liking her; her putting her foot down saying it wasn't going to happen and then going from there. Another classic hey? While my sister hasn't been here, she has kind of taken on that role oflooking out for me.

Anyhoo. I was a bit pissed up and ended up catching up with her. She took me under her wings knowing that I was in a state. And that was it. I don't really remember much. I got up the next morning, picked up my car at a mates place, narrowly missing Ms X who had statyed there [just don't ask and it's besides the point].

Got back to Bubba C's place for a warm cup of tea and she's just emerged from her room.

Now I've done some seriously offensive stuff in my time. Pretty much it's all be on the humourous [in my eyes at least] and while if's offensive, I never ever mean to actually cause offense. I've read and reread that last line but don't know how to put it any better. I'm sure you, the read, get the gist of it.


Well, Bubba C couldn't look me in the eye. I asked what's wrong, she asked if I remembered last night after joining her? I said no and she then told me not to worry about it. Still not looking me in the eye. I went to hug her when I left and she practically recoiled from my touch. She was genuinely mortified at my behaviour last night.

And there you have it. A wake up call. I've got to the point of being so down now with Ms X that I'm hurting the people I care most about in this world around me. So it's time to sort my sh8t out. It's time I take a step back from everything and everyone and just sort my head out for a bit as it's really not in a good way. Keeping off the drugs, doing some exercise and seeing the right people is what I need. Should be a change as that's exactly what I've NOT done in like 6 months.

it's a new day. By the end of the week, I hope my smile will actually touch my eyes.

nice guys don't win. fact.

I hate it. I hate it!! I hate that I try and always be polite. I hate that I put others first. I hate that I'm the sensible one in the group.

Being kind, polite and charming is a nice way of saying boring, bland and sensible.

It does you no favours. It's not popular in modern society. Badness gives a bit of edge. Selfishness adds attitude. Arrogance shows character. All of these put together a personality that is more populare and acceptable now.

F*ck it. I can't win. Does it sound conceited that I think I'm a Mr Nice Guy?

I've locked myself in my own hell, it's all in my head and I just don't know how to get out.